What is Freedom

In sports, when you play a game you have to play by the rules or face the consequences and everyone agrees to this in advance.  Does that mean you enjoy the playing or watching the game less because there are rules?  No, in fact if you didn’t have that authority plus the consequences to back it up then there would be no game; it would be just complete chaos.  With the correct boundaries, you are free to enjoy the game.  The rules add to the fun and enjoyment, they do not take it away.  I would even say without the rules of the game the players would feel less free.  Without effective authority the players would be left feeling confused and they would probably get hurt.  Not only would the players of the game not enjoy themselves but no one would want to watch it either.  The game would be completely ruined.   Having the rules allows the players the freedom to play the game and enjoy it.

This is how I see my life and I believe it’s the same for a lot of subs.  Only with rules and the consequences are we free to enjoy our lives. The authority makes us feel safe and secure not only in our relationships but also out in the world.  Like the players in a sporting event; we can only be free and happy once we have authority and established rules in place.  Without the proper authority I would just feel chaos, confusion and anger.  But with the command of my Dominate guiding and protecting me, I am free to enjoy my life to the fullest.

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Born this way

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I was born this way!

I was born with the need to be beat. I was born with the need for discipline. I was born with the need to be completely controlled.   Notice I say “need”. That was no accident.  See this “lifestyle ” as people call it; is not just a lifestyle for me. It was not something I choose. It’s how I was made.

I was born this way!

Some people call it “a scene” or “playtime” but for me it’s neither of these things. It’s just how I am every day, every minute.

Sure, I can enjoy other things because I am a balanced, real person that has many fascists to my life just like every one else does. A gay person does “non gay” things, right? Same thing for me but I am always me. Who I am does stop or go away while I do “vanilla” things.  Just like a gay person doesn’t stop being gay. Who I am will always me tangled into everything I do.

Because I was born this way!

I cannot live without it. How can you live without yourself?  How can you ignore who you are meant to be?

Being beat,  being disciplined and being completely controlled has absolutely nothing to do with sex.  People who connect these things with sex make it harder for me to be completely understood.

100% acceptance and 100% understanding is all I want and of course the ability to live my life this way, as myself, as I was made to be.

It sounds so simple but as soon as I feel someone only understands and accepts me for 90% of who I am, instead of 100%, I feel like a disgusting monster and completely insecure. That insecurity has caused me to turn to drinking in the past so the rejection I feel in that moment is very real and very strong.

Don’t they know,  I was born this way!

So, I ask; where is our song? Where is our message to the world? When are we going to be accepted and understood?

Master 1st

He is my Master 1st

Than my husband, lover, best friend and life partner.

It has to be like this. Keeping things in this order in my mind is how i keep my submission in check. It’s how i push myself to submit to Him even more every day. And with giving more submission to Him i become happier.

Because this is what i want and this is how i want our relationship to be. Making the adjustment in my thinking was more about fighting society and the brain washing they push on us.

Releaving myself of societies agenda for my relationship enabled me to be the best sub to Sir i can be and allowed me the happiness i was after.

Feeling the Bruises

Feeling the bruises on my skin days after a beating from Sir is like nothing else in life.

As I feel my bruises I…….

Feel peace
Feel safe
Feel loved
Feel cared for
Feel comfort
Feel relaxed
Feel accepted
Feel at ease
Feel horny lol

All these feelings combine together into one amazing sensation.

And as they fade I feel sad until the next beating. 🙂

Poly, more than a threesome

It seems like most of the information regarding poly is really information about having an open relationship.  I,  personally don’t consider that poly.  I consider poly to be a relationship with more than two people involved. 

What I consider to be the real poly… Lol  is a lot harder and there are less resources to access.  It’s wonderful and challenging all at the same time.  There are so many emotions and feelings to address.  Different people think differently.  My relationship with my sissy is different than my relationship with my Master.  Master’s relationship is different with me than it is with her.  Yet we are all in one relationship.  There are individual relationship going on plus we have the relationship as a whole with the three of us going on all at the same time. 

The below article is a great read.  I particularly do my best to not keep score.  With the reminder that I am dominated my Master it’s not a problem.  Lol  I cannot even imagine having a vanilla poly relationship.  Who would control all that?!?!  Lol  Cuz if no one is there to dominate me look out.  Lol 
http://www.morethantwo.com/polytips.html

More Than Two – Poly

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Sir and I are several months into our first serious poly relationship.    Our new partner recently moved in with us and I am so happy to have her close.  🙂

Poly is newer to us…. all of us.  I have found reading about poly and educating myself has become an invaluable support tool and source of comfort for me.

If you are considering a poly relationship,  are already in one or just dreaming about it the one thing you should be doing is reading and educating yourself.
As I go through my journey…. our journey I will share links about poly.   These are things that I have read.  Things that are informative and helpful.  I will continue to read and educate myself to better myself and our relationship and I have given myself the task of sharing that research with you…. my wordpress peeps.

Here is today’s poly link:
http://www.morethantwo.com/polymistakes.html

Subconscious submission

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When the subject of subconscious submission first came up I had never really thought about it before but it made perfect sense.  This could be the key to why submission comes easier to some. If your subconscious mind is not as submissive as your conscious mind, who is going to win that battle?  I say it’s your subconscious.  In other words if you are telling yourself to act submissive but deep down you are struggling with 100% submission on all things subconsciously you are not a submissive you are just consciencely acting like one.

Don’t get me wrong,  I understand this is how we all start this journey but this is a great way to measure your progress.  Subconscious thoughts always have a way of coming out in some way or another.  That doesn’t mean as a submissive you shouldn’t have freedom of thought.  As a submissive you may disagree with your Dom. You may want something and they say no. That’s part of being human and being in a relationship.  But if those thoughts are negative or disrespectful your subconscious submission needs a spanking. Lol.

Some blood was shed

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My emotions were running high and I could not control them. Sir was not happy with this. “Get over here so I can beat the shit out of you.” He said as He pointed to the edge of the bed.  I slowly proceeded to the required position. Bent over the edge of the bed, completely nude, hands in front,  head down, legs slightly spread apart. I usually love to get hit but the scary look in His eyes told me that He was going to take some aggression out on me.

I could hear Him taking His belt off. It’s thick, heavy and 100% real leather.  Most belts don’t hurt that much but this one has made me eat those words on several occasions. And the fact that Sir hits harder than any other Dom in history is just making my anticipation flow through every inch of my body like a river.

He proceeded to beat my ass with that belt harder than He has ever done before.  He gave me no time to recover between hits. In no time I was crying hysterically. I cried so much, the bed spread was soaking wet under my face. I didn’t dare move one muscle.  I was too scared plus I needed this beating from Him. I deserved to be beat to a pulp and that is exactly what He was doing.

He didn’t slow down or let up. I pleaded with Him in my head but I didn’t dare say a word. I didn’t deserve to say anything.  I just kept my mouth shut and cried. He was whipping me so hard I couldn’t even form a sentence.

I could not take it anymore.  I didn’t feel I had the right to use my safe word but it came out anyway behind the tears and sobbing. “Mercy, Sir please” I said in a faint voice because that’s all I could muster up.

He stop instantly.  I didn’t move. I just cried and cried and I was still afraid to move. I waited for His instructions.  He Whispered in my ear, “Be careful when you get up, you’re bleeding. He cleaned me up and softly caressed my back and held me until I calmed down.

Of course, the second I felt better I just had to see for myself.  Sure enough,  my bottom was bleeding.  From the belt, I thought.  Really?  Dam! He whipped me with the belt until I bleed. Didn’t know that was possible but I know now.

Mental note….Don’t piss off Daddy!

Why I want to be spanked and disciplined

wpid-https%3a%2f%2f36.media_.tumblr.com%2fb7b03288d4b9694c8c711735dedd3b84%2ftumblr_nq6hm2nzkg1sjej0io1_1280.jpgI have been exploring the “why”.  Why I want to be spanked and disciplined as a full-grown adult.  I am doing this in an effort to control my emotions going forward.  This process has taken me to some dark places. I am sharing some of this today for two reasons.  1. To get it out! 2. To hopefully help someone else.

I was asked the other day, “Did someone hit you when you were little?” I replied in an angry voice, “No, of course not”.  I even rolled my eyes as I said it. Why did I have this reaction?  Because I was not good enough to receive that level of love, especially not from my father.  He never hit me. In fact, he never spanked me, disciplined me or corrected me.  In stead in touched me in the way he should have been touching his wife.

I was not good enough,  I was not pretty enough,  I was not smart enough to be his daughter!  I was only good enough to be his disgusting sex object!  That’s all I was good for. He did not care about me. When I grew up, in the 70s, we were constantly told when your parents hit you, spank you or discipline you it’s because they love you, care about you and wants what’s best for you.  No one cared about me in that way. No one wanted what’s best for me. I was only good for sex which had nothing to do with loving me or caring for me and it definitely was not what was best for me.

I just wanted to be his daughter,  somebody’s daughter!  But no body wanted me! I want to punch him in the face! I want to ripe him to shreds with my bare hands. I want him to hurt the way I have been hurting my whole damn life!!! I only wanted a father, a real father……not a rapist! I want to scream at him, “Why was I not good enough!” “Why did you not love me enough?” I hate him more for not disciplining me than for molesting me.

“You’re reverting back.” I was told. “Good!” I said. I want a do over. I would give my life for a do over! Maybe now I can finally be happy and feel loved and cared for by my real Daddy (my husband, Dom and Master) I just hope while fulfilling my happiness, I will also make Him happy and proud.